I had to post another song that speaks for me in better words than i can express myself. I heard this song earlier this fall, shortly after God took hold of my heart in a way i have never felt before in my life. It is strange to me that this song could apply to a believer, because before a few months ago that is not how I would have understood this song. But I feel like this song represents a step in my walk at this time. Another song that always haunted me before was one by U-2, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" - not sure if that is the exact title...anyway. "I believe in the kingdom come, then all the colors bleed into one but yes i'm still running. You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame oh my shame. You know I believe it. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for." Every time I heard that song, I sadly had to agree with the words. I believed it, but was still looking for something. Praise God, praise God, praise God, he has taken that away from me!!!! He has replaced that longing and searching, He did it, I didn't. I feel like a different person now, this 3rd day song says it all.....



Born Again - 3rd Day

Today I found myself, After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw, He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,
I was lost when You found me here, And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me
It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time,
for the very first time, In my life

Make a promise to me now,Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel, is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul, And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,It is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time.
For the very first time, it feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving for the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more, Than what I had yesterday,
Then You came to me,Then You gave to me, Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before.

It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time.
For the very first time, it feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving for the very first time
For the very first time, In my life .

For as long as I can remember, the verses on being lukewarm in my faith always made me very uncomfortable. It is because I was lukewarm and I knew it. It wasn't that I wanted to be that way, because I didn't. I prayed all the time that God would set my heart on fire for Him. I am not one to question God's timing in my life or the lives of others, but seriously, I have prayed for a deeper walk with him, a fire, for wisdom for a long time, a long time, and now I sit and try to figure out, "why now?". I think I can see that I was holding onto a lot of stuff that was keeping me from 100% all out trusting Him, and I think that is part of what held me back. I had fears, hopes, dreams that I wanted to see come to pass. If I had to give Him my fears, that meant my fears might come true. If I gave him my hopes for the future, that might mean they might not come true. But His gentle, loving voice, somewhere deep inside of me kept reminding me that He knows best. I had to realize that this life has more to do with me and what I want. I had to let go. It is hard to let go. I had to let go of the fear of Paul or one of the kids dying. I had to give up my fear of me dying and my kids growing up not knowing their me. That was hard to do. Yes it would a horrible thing to go through, but ultimately, God knows what it best. And even more importantly, He has changed my mindset from my 100 yrs here on earth to eternity. I WILL see them again, for eternity. Our lives are really just a blink of an eye compared to the perfect eternity I will get to spend with Paul, Halie and Austin in heaven. I still tear up thinking about loosing one of them, but along with that I have a peace in my soul I have never felt before. Next, my hopes for the future. Paul and I loved to go look at houses and plan all the space we would have in our next home. No more office in the bedroom!! A room for the toys!!! A beautiful kitchen!! All those things would be great to have, and who knows, maybe one day we will. But I had to hand that over to Him too. In the past, in my mind, we WERE going to have those things. At this point in our lives, we are waiting to see what our next step is, and who knows, we could be living in a hut in Africa!! (probably not, but you never know). And you know what, I couldn't be happier or more at peace, even not knowing what a year from now holds for us. I could have "said" that in the past, that I was at peace, but it was nothing compared to what I feel now. All that to say, I think it was when I truly handed over 100% control to Him that I was in a place that He could begin to work in me. This work God has done in me has given me such a heart for those who were just like me, Christian to the core on the outside, feeling empty and longing on the inside. I want so desperately for everyone to see and experience God's love and his grace for them. Such peace and such excitement He has to give! I am excited about God!!! Really!!! So much more to say, but that will be for another day.....